Seasons

Self Control

I thank my Real Father who is in heaven for a new day; 

and for surviving another night.

I’ve already been wide awake for hours. 

The ones who have prayed during the night, now go and rest

The rested ones arise for daytime prayers.

The changing of the guards is complete, night guards are resting

The day guards are now on duty.

A head count is taken, for both the ones arisen; and the late ones still yet to arise.

I’m getting pissed off; I don’t have time for this.

I’ve already heard: Jack, my step father leave early and go to work.

The old hag will be screaming out anytime now.

I’m already over it; before this new day begins

I call out to the slackers; get a move on

I ask ‘me’ to go and find out what is taking so long.

I get the detailed report from ‘no-one’ about: ‘…’

All info needed to be relayed; has been done. 

I’ll be glad when it’s her time to be in charge.

I decided what the Birth Certificate name will be changed to, when I was 12 years old. 

The change of name will be done after the; 2nd coming of age. After age 42

God Willing if the body isn’t dead by then.

I’ve got another 4 years until the; 1st coming of age 

I’ve already had 17 years of being in charge 

‘…’ will have the next 21 years, until 42 year old.

And there’s always one; that’s late; fuck me, I’m going to need to come down on some of these.

It’s bad enough that’s there’s always 1 hindered by that fucking red scarlet thread; sown into the right heel; 5 times.

No amount of prayer removes this; and it alternates, I don’t know how it moves around from 1, to a set amount of 4 others 

‘know all’ tells me why. 

I ask her to go and relay this to: ‘…’; as it will be in her time; when this thing finally gets removed. 

I thank my: Real Jesus. Even though; I wish it would be sooner.

My God; I miss my sister: Janet. She took it upon herself to be a good mother.

Finally all are accounted for; just in time, the stupid mother’s up.

I wouldn’t piss on this piece of shit; even if it’s on fire.

I sigh: I speak: you lot that are always late; you know the old hag wants this shit house painted; every room

I remind again; especially these slackers;  ‘the workers’ to keep the mouth shut

I call out: ‘The Nurse’, ‘The Physiotherapist’, and ‘Mr Fix It’ to be ready and waiting.

I draw back and watch, and pray; I dismiss the ones with fucked up feet.

The feral mother doesn’t know I exist; and it’s a moron thinking ‘no-one’ is: NOBODY.

I laugh to myself; ‘no-one’ gives all the shit names to our Father in heaven; and our Lord Jesus.

And the idiot mother thinks she’s always in control; little does she know.

I look at all; waiting, ready to work. I’m a teenager; and I’m fucking angry.

I can’t stand living with this dead mother anymore: Thelma Farthing.

This day now begins; the old hag has the stink enamel paint tin; the paint I can’t breathe from its fumes; and the old worn out paint brushes. 

Useless paint brushes with all the bristles falling out; the bristles that get stuck in the paint finish.

The fucking idiot wants the doors, door frames, and skirting boards painted first; not last.

This stupid dead thing; with the stench of death, is trying to use a screwdriver too big to fit into the paint tins lid.

It brings out the large water based paint tins, old rickety wooden ladder, and worn out paint roller; without an extension rod. 

Then it changes its mind; and tells me to go and light; the wood chip hot water service; on a ledge above the bath.

It wants a shower first, a hot shower.

It’s winter and I usually only have stone cold showers.

So I go and light the wood chip hot water service, with kindling and the small cut wood; and then I overload it with too much wood; so it too can have a stone cold shower. Today is a very cold winters day.

When I am desperate for hot showers; I go to the local indoor swimming pool; and use their showers. 

I never have soap; I look around for scraps of soap left by other people. 

I never have a clean towel; and I leave with my dirty clothes back on and wet; and stuck to me. I’ve been doing this since I was 8 years old

But it only depends on; if I have enough money left from my dole check; to pay for using the public showers at the public swimming pool, now at this age.

The whinging starts; that I don’t know how to use this wood chip hot water service properly

I say to it, as you know how to do everything; and I know nothing, maybe you should light this old useless hot water service.

But the old hag is scared of fire; always had been

I have spent so many years getting over my fears; fire was just another one of them

Stupid dead woman finally gets the Pink Pages Directory Phone Book,

And it looks around for the telephone, and plugs it back into the wall socket

It tries to call plumbers.

But of course the phone is smashed again; it can’t call anyone.

When this slut gets drunk every night; and the arguments start with my step father: Jack (John Joseph Quinn),  it rips out the landline dial, and latest push button telephones and smashes them against walls.

The old lard and plaster walls, in the old house with extra high ceilings.

37 Leander Street, West Footscray, suburb of Melbourne. Victoria. Australia.

So now the smashed, and broken phone I am to take in its box; as it belongs to Telecom; it’s a rental phone.

They are in the same street, just a short walk away.

I do this at least once a week; sometimes twice, or three times

With the instructions from it; you’re a pretty young thing, the men will give you a new phone; and wear this low cut top, and short skirt; don’t wear a bra or undies, and make sure you bend over; in front of the men.

I have done this too many times; and I’m fucking sick of it

I always wear my underwear, and an old raggy cardigan; and tell the men at Telecom; the mother smashes your phones when she’s drunk, but they ignore this, and just gave me new telephones, in their boxes

Today I tell them that these phones are their property, and the mother needs to pay for smashing their property; and pay for all the previous smashed and free replacement rental phones 

Thelma Farthing will need to pay Telecom for; all damages done by her to their telephones. 

I got the manager today; and this who I said this to.

I return with the last replacement rental phone; owned by Telecom

Thelma Farthing will get an itemised bill sent in the mail for all their phones.

In the box with the new push button rental phone is a letter for it; addressed to the mother; informing, that an itemised bill will be mailed regarding so many destroyed phones brought back and replaced for free. 

Thelma Farthing is notified she will receive a bill by mail for all of the destroyed Telecom phones; both dial, and push button ones

I will no doubt pay; pay the price of not doing this properly as well

Of not being in ‘the frame of mind’ using the shit name; done by drugging and torture

‘The frame of mind’ with the shit name ‘The slut’

This one is one of my many closest assistants with overseeing all of my mind; and she also prays endlessly

The shit names forced upon myself; will of course be changed when the time is right

Before, during, and after the ones who got killed over the years; when they get woken up by Almighty God

They sleep with Him until the right time; after all are woken, and all the shit names get changed; and this shit Birth Certificate name as well changed; then my whole self will speak out about all this evil. 

I made a promise to my brother: Danny, after he stopped speaking. I also made a promise to my sister/mother: Janet, after she asked me to speak for her.

I think again on what all these non humans did to her; and I hate this pathetic excuse for a mother; I think on what it did to: Danny, and despise this piece of stinking shit.

My whole mind relies only on the perfect timing of; Almighty God

I don’t interfere with His ways, I change some names; and then get recycled for other jobs. 

I have known how many new ones I am allowed to add when needed, but I leave room for more to be added by  ‘…’ in her time; and the future needs

Our Father in heaven has also blessed myself with more; and giving His blessing for very heavy needs

My whole mind knows to leave room here too

I am very blessed, yet I am only a lowly girl; this Love I understand

And so does the evil one; I give it no regard

I laugh to myself; the letter from the Victorian Government came yesterday

I failed their public servant test again

I will not have anything to do with politics

I decided when I was 4 years old to never put my name on the electoral roll; I refuse to vote

I will not start as a public servant and then raise up into higher positions; as the old hag desperately wants myself to do

It can; go fuck itself

Its yelling that the paint isn’t mixed properly, the colours are not what it wanted

Its been stirring the paint with a short thin screw driver

It didn’t even think; as it cannot think, to at least use a ruler, spatula; or buy a paint stirrer

I have already been up on the old rickety ladder and scraped off all the peeling enamel paint, and also sanded many places

I told the old cheese, it would need to be undercoated before painting

It doesn’t want to spend the money on the undercoat, it whines about the cost of these expensive low fume paints

The colours I picked for the bedroom I use

Sunshine yellow for the ceiling; and sky blue for the walls

It hates these colours, but Jack was with us; and liked the colours I chose as well, he also paid for both of the 4 litre each tins of paint; he even brought more 4 litre tins of these colours of low fume paint; for other rooms in the house

My whole body is aching today, after being on the ladder for 4 days in a row

scraping, peeling back the old paint, and sanding

I get that look; the one from the very cruel eyes

I get contempt, and called again ‘cinderella’ 

So I send out first to; climb this old rickety ladder, the; only one left who is afraid of ladders, my most trusted accomplice, who chose a male name; and always stands beside me, and walks for me; as I have fucked up feet too

I’m so fucking angry with this dead piece of shit; I hate it with a passion

I inwardly moan and groan. 

I remembered reading all the: Psalms and the ones written by: King David; and how much he hated my God’s enemies. Psalm 139, I especially remember; today

I stand up taller than the shit mother, and I glare straight into its dead eyes

It backs off with the screwdriver dripping with paint, and drops it into the cracked, and too small for the worn out; plastic roller paint tray 

Its sleeve and hand are covered with paint; it washes off the paint only from its hand

It then goes and buys me a pizza, and a can of lemon squash for lunch, its now after 12pm; and the pizza shops open

I haven’t eaten since yesterday morning, and I’ve only had a little water to drink; except for the coffees, and crumpets Jack made for me; yesterdays breakfast

It wants me working; whilst complaining that I’m lazy, and don’t pay enough board money; and have drained all the goodness out of her; when she was pregnant with me.

I think about many things; when I am forced into slave labour, the many ways I have used to just live, and today I think about how I will make this mother pay for clothes I need

The jeans I brought for winter, size 6; and are too big on me, its the smallest size I can buy

These jeans I had on lay by from a department store for months

My old jeans also got ironed instead of washed in cold water; as I had my monthly heavy periods, and my female items were taken away from me 

the blood got ironed into the jeans; they both have permanent blood stains; now

Both jeans I can’t wear; the first jeans I paid off the lay by when I used to sell Avon after school; and Jack drove me around in the night time, and waited in his car; making sure I was safe 

The second pair of jeans I paid off from the pocket money Jack gave to me; and what was left from my dole check 

and when I sold Avon after school; this thing took the lions share of my pay as well

The piece of shit with all the bank accounts; high interest bearing accounts; and more 

and lots of cash money always hidden in; and under the house

I don’t have any winter clothes, and I’m freezing cold every winter

And one of these beds I will spill a lot of paint on; the one with the new mattress

not the old piss, shit; and blood stained mattress, I will cover that one properly

The old mattress that is always covered up; its old, ripped, and sagging, with the springs sticking out; and stinks from the stains

The old sagging bed frame; won’t get any paint on it either

The first one to go up on the old rickety ladder has fucked hands; and the 4 litre paint tin, roller and fucked paint roller tray also needs to be balanced on the fucked wonky wooden ladder

The new bed frame and mattress was only brought in the last unit; Carmichael Street, West Footscray, after Jack moved us there

This house the slave to sin brought after insisting the rental unit wasn’t good enough; and put half of the house in Jack’s name; half share mortgage

So he would be in debt and bound to this creature from hell

I have already put out all my old clothes; all the threadbare, ripped, too small, stained clothes; even all the raggy, too big cardigans, and ripped undies; and dreadful bras that hurt my ribs

I have them ready to put on the kitchen table; as soon as Jack gets home from work

There will be more arguments tonight

And I never stop hearing about all the money this fucking shit faced mother has had to spend on me

And now to work; painting this first room; the bedroom that’s not mine

Only with words does it called as my bedroom

‘Michael’ is also here, with a couple of his good spies; only ones that listen for any truthful words; they are very good at filtering out the lies said

 The extra back up ‘workers’ more ‘nurses’ and ‘physiotherapists’ are also under ‘…..’  Authority 

especially after what had happened to her from ladders on my 12 Birthday; and the shit afterwards. 

At 37 Rosamond Road, North Footscray. Melbourne. Victoria. Australia

Commonly known as; ‘the house from hell’

Continuation:

I watched the old hag already use this old ladder, it hid more wads of cash money up in the roof space, it didn’t think I saw, but I always do.

I notice its cat starts running after it; it runs along the walls when it goes into labour.

It runs above the skirting boards, it runs along the sides of the walls

So many cats get fucked by this old hag; it makes me sick.

I call out to the piece of shit; “your cat’s in labour”

My whole mind, soul, heart and body stops and prays…..Selah………AMEN.

The rotten old hag doesn’t help her fucked cat; NO, it gets its coin purse and goes out to the public phone box.

To call the other old hag who owns the pet store. 

The one who comes and picks up the newborn kittens.

Only one kitten ever gets left, the runt of the litter. 

And as I stand and watch; this female cat drops dead, no kittens get born this time. 

I use this time to go to the toilet, and as I walk through the kitchen and past the microwave oven; I give it a filthy look.

The toilet is covered with piss and only God knows what else, I find a bucket and use that.

I won’t be cleaning the toilet anymore; ‘cinderella’ was handed to our Lord Jesus by ‘Mr Fix it” and now his guards are standing before any other slaves to the rotten old hag.

I thank ‘Know All’ and her prayers, and her praying ones.

I hear the other old hag’s car pull up, outside the front of this shit house.

The filthy slut of a mother calls this other old hag inside; to the room by name only; that is mine.

I know what they are going to do; on that old fucked up mattress.

I walk around the narrow sideway; and I look under my bedroom window.

I look at the fresh dug up dirt; I heard last night the old cheese burying more gold bricks in the soil.

I hear the rotten old hags inside; complaining about the new bed and mattress covered with; Sunshine yellow paint.

And they cut open the dead pregnant cat; on that old fucked up mattress.

They are praying to stupid, but all the kittens died too.

No kittens alive, no more; live newborn kittens for snakes to eat.

I hear the pathetic excuse for a mother telling the other witch that’s she’s taken out a life insurance policy on Jack.

I throw up the pizza on the fresh dug up soil and: I pray again. Selah……

to be continued…

Continuation:

The feral mother left with the other fucked up old hag; in the other old hags car.

I walk to the axe in the chopping block; and I look at it

Kept at the entrance of this narrow side of the house; same as used to be kept in the ‘house from hell’

The blunt axe in the chopping block; kept the same way

I ask ‘me’ to wake up all: “NOW!”

I roar at all: “Remember ‘…..’ Walked past the same blunt axe to get on the roof,

on the 12th Birthday; with a violin strapped to the old threadbare, ripped overalls”

“NO more fears of axes!”

I wrench the axe from the chopping block and lift it up high above my head; and bring it down hard on the chopping block

I roar: “Get over this fear”

I then go and check the letterbox

A letter addressed to the rotten old hag is in it

Its from the Insurance Company: Life Insurance

I shove the letter in the overalls front pocket; for the moment

I walk into that filthy bedroom; the dead cat and its kittens have been taken away

But the bloody mess is still on the bare mattress

I stand and look at it…

I then walk into the kitchen and pull out all the food from the fridge

And I give the microwave oven another; filthy look.

I check all the food that I put on the benches, and kitchen table; I check everything that has been opened

I smell it all; and I get a garbage bag, then I throw all the opened food into it

I only return to the fridge anything un-opened; including the made made margarine; the rotten old hag won’t use butter

I check the freezer; and I get another garbage bag

Everything opened gets thrown into that one too

I check the spud box; all the spuds get thrown out

All the fruits get thrown out; into another garbage bag.

I go outside the front door with the first garbage bag, and walk to a closed down fast food shop

I throw the first garbage bag into the large bin still left out the front; of the closed up shop

I go back to the house and do the same with the next two garbage bags of food

When I return to the house; I open this letter, and then put in into a zippered side pocket

I look at the wall clock, I don’t have much time left

The filthy witch mother will be back soon

I get the old heavy wonky wooden ladder and put it under the ceilings manhole cover

I climb up, move the manhole cover, and feel around for the wads of money; always wrapped up in plastic bags

I find 2 bags; and shove them now into the overalls front pocket; and put the manhole cover back in its place

I put the old heavy wonky wooden ladder back in that fucked up bedroom

I check all my clothes that I threw ready earlier in the washhouse; I will put them on the kitchen table with this letter after Jack gets back to this shit house from work

I go back outside the front door; and go for a walk

I walk the other way; not back to where the closed down shops are; but the I turn left and walk this street towards where the Telecom Building is

I look at the pothole road, the cracked concrete driveways; with weeds growing through the cracks

I look at the dead trees; no birds, nothing green; nothing God made to be seen

I look at the front gardens of houses; plastic flowers shoved into concrete’s cracks

I hate this; I despise this

I walk to the end of the street; and wish I had not

I look at the buses; the diesel interstate trains; all the fumes from their engines, and I watch the electric trains coming and going

All the cars with their fumes; noise: pollution everywhere

I throw the 2 plastic bags of bundled up cash down the road’s gutters drain hole

I see: NOTHING to calm down this: RAGE

This: RAGE I am now in…

Continuation:

I sit down in the gutter and watch the plastic bags find their way into the drain, they will get joined into the sewerage systems pipes

I think about the Life Insurance Policy letter in my pocket

I tell God, I can’t help with this. I want to, but I can’t 

I have a big talk with God my Father

I sit there in the gutter for a long time talking to my Father in heaven

I also tell my Lord Jesus how tired I am

And I ask the age old simple prayer

Please help?

A strong wind blows all the rubbish, and dirt from the gutters up into my face

In this wind is some shopping someone has dropped, bulbs of garlic

I do as I had done before with garlic, when I used to just take them in the supermarkets

I peel off the skins, crush them under the heel of my shoe, and rub the garlic all over my face, hair, and I eat the rest

I get up and slowly walk back towards the house, always wishing I have somewhere else to live

Always wishing that I have a good normal mother

I walk even more slowly, I notice a bright Sunshine yellow car, driving very slowly down Leander Street; the street I live in

I am now just behind this car, on the footpath, still walking very slowly

This brand new car pulls over, and asks one of the idiots living in this street where Thelma Farthing lives

The idiot with the plastic flowers stuck in their front garden’s concrete’s cracks, tells this woman in the car; the house number; and that the house is on the other side of the street

I still slowly walk behind on the footpath, and then I cross the road, and walk watching; the woman and this car

I also notice that my Uncle Russ and Auntie Edna in their Beetle Voltswagen drive into the street from the other end; not their bigger Combivan Voltswagen, but the small Beetle car

They had driven into the street from end with the closed down shops

Now there are two cars going to the shit house, from both directions of this street

I stop walking and just watch these two cars park outside the shit house

My Uncle Russ gets out of his car first, and asks the woman in the brand new Sunshine yellow car who she’s looking for

I heard her answer him; Thelma Farthing

My Uncle Russ introduces himself, my Auntie Edna gets out of the Beetle Voltswagen and introduces herself

The woman introduces herself to them

My Uncle Russ notices me standing there watching them, and calls me over; I walk over to them very slowly

He introduces Marge Noonan to me

My Auntie Edna asks why I’m in overalls and covered with bright yellow paint

I answer her; I am painting the inside of the house

She shakes her head, and asks why I am covered with paint

She asks me this; as she is a bit of a neat freak

I answer her, the old ladder is wonky and the large tin of paint fell everywhere, even on me

Uncle Russ asks me, if my mother is home

I answer; I don’t know, she went out with another woman to the pet shop with her pregnant cat

I tell him the house isn’t locked, I left the front door open

As I don’t have any keys; for any of the doors, and I needed to go for a walk

I very slowly walk ahead of them, and ask them to come inside

They follow me in, and walk behind me; past the new Telecom phone in its box, on the phone stand in the hallway

I walk past my bedroom’s open door, and stand in the hallway so they can see this bedroom; with all the mess. The mother isn’t back yet

They all walk into this bedroom and just just stare at the old mattress with all the blood, cat fur and mess on it, the serrated knife is left on the mattress too

I start to swagger, I can’t stand any longer

My Uncle Russ says something to Auntie Edna, and Marge Noonan; but I no longer understand what they are saying

My Auntie Edna, and Marge Noonan help me walk out the front door and Uncle Russ put the front passenger car seat forward, and they all help me get onto the back seat

I just fall onto the back seat

I pass out and wake up outside my Uncle’s Doctors Surgery

I get help to get inside and my Uncle’s Doctor says I need to be in hospital 

I go nuts at the Doctor, saying no more hospitals

I’m not going to any hospital  

He gives me some needle; I go nuts again at the Doctor

The Doctor makes it worse, saying I’m underweight

I go nuts at him again, saying you’re not shoving any tubes into me

I don’t fully know what they are talking about after getting another needle 

I just keep going nuts at the Doctor about getting needles; and saying no way am I going to any hospital, or having any tubes shoved into me

Something was said about Penicillin, and what is wrong with me; Bronchial Phenomia

I get help to get back into my Uncle’s car, and he drives to his Chemist

Then their house; and they help me to get inside the front door

I collapse on their lounge room floor; hearing my Auntie say that I need to be cleaned up; have a shower and put in the spare bed; not filthy dirty; on the carpet

And that I stink of garlic

I heard my Uncle speak sternly to her; saying it doesn’t matter

just get her a pillow, and a warm quilt

I go nuts saying I don’t want to sleep on the filthy mattress

I only want to sleep on the floor, no way will I sleep on that mattress

Auntie Edna starts to get upset

Uncle Russ gently tells her, its just the fever talking

I hear my Uncle Russ with his oxygen tanks

He always prays before he puts his oxygen mask on; to the Real God 

He has Emphysema from working in the woollen mills during world war 2

Auntie Edna returns with some sheets, a thin blanket, a thick quilt, and a pillow

She makes me comfortable on the floor

She’s the mother’s eldest sister by 16 years, but she’s also the mother’s mother

She’s my real grandmother, old George Harmer her father, was also my grandfather

He’s dead now. Thank God

I am glad I am in their home again, I pass out

Continuation:

I awoke to silence, and darkness

I am so very thirsty, and I have a rotten headache

I wait for my eyes to adjust to the darkness

Then I get up and walk into the kitchen, then to the back door

I quietly unlock, and open the back door, walk into the backyard

Then the gate, I also quietly open, and close behind me, and walk on the pathway to the small front yards gate

I open it more slowly, as it squeaks

I make sure the dog hasn’t followed me, then I leave, slowly closing the small gate behind me

I use the neighbours front yards tap to get some water

I already know that my Auntie would’ve rang the fucked up mother

When I have had enough water, I walk towards the shit house

Its a long walk as I am currently in Braybrook

This will work out well, as I should arrive in time, before my step father: Jack goes to work, and hours before the old hag gets out of bed

I left the Penicillin and whatever other pills behind me as well

I don’t want more troubles for my Uncle Russ, he’s a good man

I mostly pray during this long walk in the dark

I lose count of how many times I trip on the cracked up concrete footpaths

But I’m glad the moon has fucked off somewhere

I thank God in heaven, and tell Him how stupid Australia is

Even though I know that He already knows this too

And I tell Him this again as I’m walking on footpaths without any street lights, as I keep tripping on the broken up footpaths

I also tell Him how stupid it is to strap Propane Gas Bottles to houses, and does anywhere else in the world act this stupid?

I don’t give Him a chance to answer me, as I’m upset with my Uncle and Aunts neighbours son, who was so badly burned when one of these tanks exploded outside his bedroom when he was only a small boy

And I tell Him again about the bad burns he got, all the skin grafts, and he still is a mess, with a lot of pain

Fingers, toes missing, his whole face a mess 

Then I stop complaining about this, as its too upsetting

I walk the rest of the way quietly, constantly tripping on the footpaths

Until finally there are some street lights, enough to see the broken up footpaths

At last I stop tripping on the footpaths, I can see all the cracks

I pray for the neighbours son, who is now a teenager

I look up at the sky, and then I look eastward, no sign of the sun yet

I get to the street the shit house is in, and I wait sitting in the gutter a few houses away

I check that the Insurance Policy letter is still in my pocket, thank God it is

I sit and wait, the air is always dirty

I’m thirsty again, so I go and look for a front yards tap, and I find one

I thank God for some water, I also thank my Lord Jesus, because of what He had said about water, giving a child a cup of water

I notice the outside front light come on at the shit house

Good, Jack will be out soon and I can give him this feral letter, then I thought,

no; I will put it under his windscreen wiper before he comes out

So I shove it there and go and walk in the opposite direction he will drive in

I have several hours to kill before that old hag gets itself out of bed

I realize how hungry I am, but I can hardly smell and taste anything

I decide to walk towards Footscray City’s Shopping Centre, thinking surely I’ll find some dumped food from yesterday still in a dumpster, somewhere

I hope I don’t find white bread or rolls made from bleached flour, they always make me sick

I tell God how stupid it is to bleach flour, that we are not meant to eat bleach

I tell God many of the stupid things that happen

I know He always listens to me, so I ask Him to show me where I can find some real bread?

Continuation:

I tell ‘mjm’ Maureen Joan Marshall (nee Farthing) all the things that happened

I tell her now as she is being prepared to take over

I tell her of the: Generosity, Love, Kindness, and Mercy from: Marge Noonan and: Esther 

Esther, who chose to spell her name: Ester; and that she also showed me her numbered tattoo on her forearm, from world war 2

I tell her the Love and Kindness from Uncle Russ: Arthur Russell, who used to build and race the; nedloh racing cars, Aussie built car: Holden

I also ask her to keep trying to help: Jack (John Joseph Quinn) our step father, as he also belongs to our Lord Jesus

I show her the Baby Baptism Certificate; as she has never seen it; only heard it whispered to her

I have 6 days to tell her certain things

In this 6 days all the guards get changed around for her needs, the praying ones remain

The ‘Physiotherapist’ and ‘Speech Therapist’ work with ‘mjm’

‘Mr Fix It’ ‘Know All’ ‘Michael’ ‘…..’ and ‘me’ stay with her, and all their workers; helpers; spies; assistants; teachers and medical workers

All the everyday workers are busy, both of my old worn out ones, and the rested new ones

Everything seen, heard and done gets filed away; under the Loving watchful eye of Almighty God

When this is finished the old workers under my Authority go to God, and the new ones from all the shit names; that have been changed; replace them, ‘mjm’s’ ‘workers’ and new ‘guards’

I look up at the old wooden cross, on the left side of my mind

It only has the nails left in it, and the crown of thorns left on the top

I explain to ‘mjm’ why the crown of thorns left behind is needed

I ask her to forgive me, for all my mistakes

I go to the old cross and fall to my knees, I ask Almighty God to forgive me

I ask for Him to help ‘mjm’ and all; my whole self

I ask for help for the 1st coming of age ceremony

God awakes the one with the same name ‘………’ 2nd

She does not speak English, she speaks many different languages

It has been this way after ‘………’ 1st was killed, and sleeps 

After 2nd got old sparky, so many souls; speaking with different tongues who had been in that chair before her; English was never spoken again for her prayers

I feel sad, I feel ‘mjm’s’ time will be harder, in different ways

I go to take her old place; as one always has to be gagged; bound; and tied down for these seasons of 21 years

I ask my Lord Jesus; for every generation after myself; to not have to endure this

That they be free from this and the hindering of the red scarlet thread, sown into the right heel 5 times; at 8 days of age

My most trusted companion with a male name, walks me to the table

I fall on my knees and pray a long time for ‘mjm’

I cry many tears, my heart is broken

Too many people I loved have died, and I pray; as I know this will continue

I thank my Father in heaven for the privilege of being His daughter, through the saving Grace of my Jesus

I pray as ‘mjm’ is learning to walk, talk, speak, read, write and count

Then I see the one of us I never thought would be here

She gets; gagged; bound; and tied down instead of me

I get lifted up into my Father’s arms, I ask why

“Why the is most damaged and tortured one taking my place?

The weakest one for the next 21 years?”

He tells me to sleep and rest

I mumble as I finally go to sleep, and rest; the same words all who died before me mumbled

Please keep my heart pure, please keep my heart ruling my mind

…Selah

Continuation: 1983

I am Maureen Joan Marshall (nee Farthing)

This is a new day

I look for the old wooden cross, at the left hand side of; the front of my mind

It’s not there

‘Know All’ shows me where it is

It’s at the left hand side of; the back of my mind

In front of the large brick wall, the brick wall nearly finished

I am shown, only once

Who has taken my place, my heart sinks

I walk with aching feet and hands to the wooden cross

I fall to my knees

I thank God Almighty for the privilege and honour of being His daughter

I thank Him for His Mercy on me, a lowly woman

I thank Him, that I only see a tiny timeline

And that He sees the beginning to the end

I thank Him, for ‘………’ 2nd, and His perfect Ways

I thank Him, for how he helped Janet

In a different way, with her 1st and only; coming of age

I thank Him, we are all unique

I thank Him, we have different needs

I ask for His Will in my life, not my own will

I give Him, my heart, soul, mind and body

I ask Him, to keep my heart pure

I ask Him, to keep my heart ruling my mind

I ask Him, that His Love be shown through me

I ask Him, that I help even only one person

In the name of: Christ Jesus, I ask and thank Him. Amen.

The brick wall is finished

Only the large old wooden cross, with its nails and; the crown of thorns on top is left

At the left hand side of the; now large completed; bricked wall gets covered with blood. It is now sealed

I turn around

I look at the 5, with the Red Scarlet Threads; sown into the right heel

One of them is not of myself

It changes its face with the other 4

I watch this happening

I look back at the crown of thorns. I look for a  long time

I ask; to be justified

‘Stephen’ who was stoned to death in 1965, gets awoken and released

He takes the place of the one; not of myself

The Red Scarlett Thread gets sown into his right heel

The 5 are all male, even though I am female

The one not of myself; has been removed, never to be seen again

I look at ‘Michael’ and ‘Mr Fix It’

They are to stay; ‘no-one’ stands in the middle of them

At my right hand side to help is; ‘me’

She has had her back broken

But has no pain, I carry this pain

I face forward, to face the next 21 years: God Willing

Continuation:

Love

I sit on the ground looking at the bay. It looks harmless, it looks lovely even

I am on the Mornington Peninsula’s side of this bay. Port Phillip Bay

The other side of this bay is Port Melbourne

All the Industrial waste goes into this bay

I look around. There are no signs

Nothing to warn any Tourists, of the dangers of swimming in this bay

I know the dangers, as I had swam in this bay

At the Local Hospital were over 30 people, mostly Tourists

All of us sick from swimming in Port Phillip Bay

I look at the seemingly perfect bay

I remember how sick I got

I am angry. Not just about this bay, but many things

I am angry with myself

I think back over the past 12 years. I feel like I have failed

I am also angry with my God, and my Jesus. I’m not talking 

I look down at the grave. The grave that has been defiled

The headstone smashed

My daughters grave

The one who had the title: ‘Given Up’ Maureen. Tries to help;  but I now use this title

I look in the cupboard 

This cupboard that has big files of paperwork

I throw the cushion from the couch at the cupboard

I speak again to my God, and my Jesus

I ask; why my daughter?

It should have been me!

Why my sister?

It should have been me!

I look at the plaque on the wall. Footprints in the sand

I look at the other small plaque. Serenity Prayer

I look away from them

I get looks from people. Those looks

I should be over the death of my daughter by now

It’s not just about her death

The reason why; my head hangs low

I walk outside of my home. This home that used to have laughter

Now its empty, hollow

I look at the car I have. A gift

But I owe $1,000.00 for this gift, from the mother

I look at the duct tape. Duct tape that covers all the rust

I look at the spray paint on the duct tape

Spray paint the same colour as the car

Duct tape and spray paint I brought

So the car would not be; un-roadworthy, when seen on the roads

The spray paint, I cannot breathe with. Every time I use it, I cannot breathe

Just to keep this car un-noticeable, when I drive it. Here in Rosebud, Victoria

I cannot afford to pay a panel beater, rust removed, and a new paint job

I can only just afford to keep this car running, paying the Mechanics

I don’t eat when I have these bills, I eat the scraps left on the table

I mostly walk everywhere. I cannot afford the petrol

There is no Public Transport

Here in. Rosebud where I had; not applied for Public Housing

How did I end up here?

I don’t know where this began. I don’t know where this will end

The mother drives her new car into my driveway. Demanding I make her a cup of coffee

She holds up her keys. She has my house keys on her keyring

She painted the inside of my house. When I was in Melbourne

Asking for help from Legal Aid. Ombudsman/s. Social Workers. Public Dentists. 

Royal Melbourne Dental Hospital told me I don’t live in Melbourne, even though I was living and paying rent at Ronald MacDonald House

The large files of paperwork in the cupboard. Are useless letters, no help

No help from anywhere, even Legal Aid with the sale of the marital home in Queensland to the new wife

No help from the Child Support Agency

I go inside and make the mother her coffee

I look at my walls, painted green

She knows how much I hate this painted inside houses

She painted all the inside of my home this awful shade of green. She likes to mix blue and yellow paints together

She painted all my walls. When my daughter was in the Royal Children’s Hospital. Melbourne

And when the first child was attending Eroll Street Primary School. 

My young son I kept by my side

And I was called into the Family Law Courts

I went to; Centrelink, and the Child Support Agency

No help from them. Just more useless paperwork

There is much paperwork in that cupboard

I filed it all in large arch lever folders. All the folders are named

The mother is telling me; that I cannot look after myself. Yet again…

She reminds me that I owe her $1,500.00 for both cars

The old one cost her $300.00, not the amount she is saying. It ended up scrap metal, because of the rust

It was the car I needed to use to drive my daughter, anytime of day or night into the Children’s Hospital

Just over 90 kilometres away, I had a little help with Mechanics to keep it running

Help from non Government Organisations, and help from good friends

Non Government Organisations also paid for my daughters funeral, and her grave, and good friends helped me to put up the headstone, the one that is now smashed to pieces

I had to pay rent at. Ronald MacDonald House, and for this home, owned by the Government

I had to pay 2 lots of rent, as I lived under 100 kilometres away from the Children’s Hospital

I am very underweight and mal-nourished

I always made sure my children ate and had clothing, and a loving home over their heads

I know I need to get a part time job, at the very least

Or go and do further education, with Government grants

I need to get out of financial debt with this mother. As she reminds of other old debts of money, when I was still married

The money that never got paid back to her, after selling the house in Werribee, and then moving to Queensland; that money!

God Almighty gives me: ‘Determined Maureen’ and ‘Good Christian’

I am reminded that I am not forsaken

I let ‘Determined Maureen’ speak with this mother

I no longer care about it, not after it went on its yearly holiday, the same day my daughter was buried

Continuation:

I iron the first childs Sea Scouts Uniform, ready for tonight, whilst this mother doesn’t stop talking

I’m waiting for it to go and make a mess in my toilet, which it decides to go and do

And then I get my house keys off its key ring

I shove them under the ironing boards cover, a place I know it will never look, as it is scared of irons

Even though it used to use irons with the rotten grandmother on my sister: Janet’s curly hair

They were jealous she had natural curls, when they used hair rollers, or got perms

They used to dye my hair black, after they found the black shoe polish made a mess on all their things

I used to have bright white hair, and they being stupid would only dye the hair on my head. My eyebrows and eyelashes were still bright white

Not that anyone seemed to notice, I don’t know, it seems like people have their eyes and ears full of shit. As they never notice, or hear anything

Finally this mother is leaving; thank God

I go and clean this toilet again today, as the first child had already made a mess everywhere early this morning

I think it should be a law, that houses have at least 2 toilets, one for males, and one for females, or at least a urinal as well as a toilet

I’m annoyed, I am fed up with cleaning toilets, and for so many years

I’m also concerned about the large brick wall. It now has a huge crack in it.

From the top to the bottom, this happened when I found my daughter’s headstone smashed

After I made sure the first child’s pushbike was working, and he rode off to school, and then I drove my young son to school. He’s too young to ride a pushbike yet 

I teach them the importance of being self reliant, only my young son understands the importance of relying on God. Same as my daughter did

I drove to the cemetery, after picking some wild flowers to replace the flowers on my daughter’s headstone, after dropping off my young son to school

There has been a lot of noise, the one who was before me, after she slept for a time, is in charge behind the brick wall

There seems to be a lot of commotion going on

I’m feeling very edgy, and have more pain than usual

And so many silly fears, of trivial things

Things I use everyday

I always pray about these things, and fears. I don’t what they all are; as I know this is not the time to deal with all this

I still have young children to care for, I sigh

I look at my hands, and think again, I really need to buy some rubber gloves

I don’t know why they never get brought

My hands are a mess, mostly from needing to clean this toilet so many times everyday, I have cracked skin, and splits in my skin

‘no-one’ informs me that she has handed over the title of ‘Given up’ to my Jesus. I thank her and my Lord Jesus

I cannot afford to be down, I try and look at the positive in every situation

As I had been driving the car today, I decided I would go to the Anglican op-shop and get a Free Holy Bible. It’s written in their Creed, all Holy Bibles are Free

I’m also not happy with the Reverend: Murray Morton

I have asked him so many times for a copy of what he read for my daughter’s funeral service

I was in shock on the day, I don’t know what he said about my daughter, he didn’t know her

Although I do keep in mind, the mother had been working in his office

Even though she never goes to any Church Services

I don’t know how she got this position

She also works at the Anglican op-shop, she’s one of those there that take all the good donations

And all the poor people are left with the shit items, and get over charged for them

Thank God all the commotion behind the brick wall has stopped

I have a rotten headache, I let ‘Know All’ drive the car, she’s the most cautious 

All my driver’s are burnt out, from all the driving into Melbourne, even all the sign readers are sleeping

I’m tired all the time

I don’t have the time to go and pray properly at the old cross, I can only pray whilst I’m always doing things

It’s been like this since my daughter was first diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukaemia 

No, I think back, it’s been like this since I got married

Thank God, I’m no longer married. 

I even had a happy divorce party, I was happy the the ex husband paid for the divorce

Although that money would have been better, used for the children

At least we had a party in the house, one of the few times my daughter was well enough to appreciate a party

The only condition was, naturally bring some food, and must bring a happy divorce card

I thank God for the good friends I have

I am also very thankful for my step father: Jack and the RSL (Returned Services League)

Jack served in the 2nd World War, and then the Korean War. He was not kept back like my Uncle Russ.

Uncle Russ, who I miss, was working an essential job. The women couldn’t lift the large wool bales, only the men could do this

Although sometimes I think the old Diggers would be turning in their graves, with how this country is, and their fight for, what?

I have found a Holy Bible, I’m not really impressed with the original King James Version

I prefer the new King James Version. 

Nobody speaks like a Shakespeare Play, well not in public anyway

Lucky me, I get one of these old hags trying to charge me money for the Free Holy Bible

I notice Reverend: Murray Morton at the Church’s op-shop

He is looking very shame faced

I tell him, that the Holy Bibles are Free, it’s written into the Church’s Creed

He tells the old hag to go and sort out the donated items at the back of the shop, she gladly goes and does this, as no doubt she will take the best of things

Reverend: Murray Morton gives me the Free Holy Bible, and a tourist comes in with 2 suitcases full of clothes.

These are given to me as well, the woman said all the clothes in the suitcases will fit me

I am so very thankful, I thank her, and as I carry these luxury suitcases out to the car I also thank God

I hide the Free Holy Bible under the car’s drivers seat, otherwise the first child will tell the mother I have it, he tells her everything I do, say, and have

I’m very thankful as my suitcases are falling apart, so many times they got travelled with us into Melbourne, and they were always packed ready near the front door for anytime of the day or night when my daughter would need to rushed into the Royal Children’s Hospital

And my clothes are all threadbare, and falling apart too, and winter is coming

Selah

Continuation:

I go and pick up my young son from School, he too has won many awards from the University of New South Wales, both of these boys have many awards, certificates

Just from me teaching them before they started school, how to read, write and do basic arithmetic.

My young son asks to have a sleep over at his friends house, his mother would also like him to stay.

I go back home and pack his pyjamas, and clean clothes.

I also pick up the Sea Scout uniform, it will need ironing again, I also pick up the eldest sons expensive leather shoes, that’s needed as part of his uniform

I pick up the shoe polish, and shoe brushes and put them back in the laundry

I get my spare house keys from under the ironing board cover and hide them in a special place

I quickly iron this uniform again, and hang it ready on a clothes hanger

I will bring in my Holy Bible and the suitcases when the eldest child is doing his thing at the Sea Scouts, thank God they don’t use the toxic bay water, but the back beaches with learning how to do something with boats

All these things have cost a lot of money, and my young son and I have had less

The eldest child returns, always very rude and demanding

I cook him some scrambled eggs on toast with butter, as eggs and bread are the only fresh food I have at the moment

He complains that he wanted meat and veggies, I tell him, we all want to eat good fresh food, and I will go and do grocery shopping tomorrow

I remind him of the time, and that he needs to get changed, and to please fold your school uniform for tomorrow, stop throwing your clothes on the floor

I get smirked at, and I know his clean, ironed school uniform that has only been worn today will again get thrown onto the wet bathroom floor, after he showers, and leaves no hot water for anyone else to be able to have a shower

I sigh, I seem to be getting more Migraines; again now. I have tried taking mild paracetamol tablets, they don’t help

Whilst he is is the bathroom for a long time, I wash his dishes, and have a cup of coffee

Then I take out my young sons clean clothing, and put it in the boot of the car, with the 2 suitcases of clothes for myself. I hate boots, I rarely use them. I mostly use the back seat floor of the car

But I have had to use car boots for the very long 15 months when I would need to drive into Melbourne, with suitcases and mobility aids for my daughter

As she went into a coma with the second course of chemotherapy and woke up a  vegetable. God bless her she fought so hard, for that long 15 months of such cruel treatments

Ones I never wanted her to have. I have vowed if anyone else in my care gets any form of cancer, I will never put them through this; not even myself

I make another coffee, I am so very tired, it’s been a long day, years

Finally this eldest child is ready in his Sea Scout uniform, complaining I hadn’t ironed it properly

I tell him to get in the car, otherwise he will be late, he smirks at me again

I leave my coffee cup on the front doors steps and lock the front doors, I don’t have outside lighting for the front door, but I use a torch that I keep in the car

I dismiss the conversation he is saying about the ‘mother’ and put a tape into the cars radio/cassette player. John Denver I choose to play

He speaks louder, and I turn up the volume, I’m glad I don’t have too far to drive

We finally get to the Sea Scout Hall, I make sure he does actually go inside, and I wait for 10 minutes or so, then leave

I drive to my young sons friend’s house, I speak with his friends mother and hand her the plastic shopping bag of my sons clothing. I thank her for having my son overnight, and feeding him

I then drive to the RSL where my step father works volunteer, he helps the old diggers, and their wives, and their widows

The new car the ‘mother’ drove today is his car, as he drives all the old diggers, wives and widows to their doctors appointments, or anywhere else they need to go, sometimes just outings, get togethers

The ‘mother’ will always use other peoples new items first, same as the eldest child does

I notice the flag is half mast, another old digger has died today, I sigh

So many of these old diggers were under age when they joined up, just to finally get an education, clothing, food, and a roof over their heads, when they were just young underaged teenage boys, many now regret it

I walk in and speak with my step father, he orders a meal for me, and gives me some food vouchers, and petrol vouchers

I say, but you will need these, he says its okay he has extra ones today. I thank him

I get served a lovely cooked meal, meat and veggies, but I also notice the sadness here tonight. I can’t eat all the food on the plate, this sadness is very heavy

I wait for Jack to finish his volunteer work, arranging the next funeral; as I will be driving him to his home, I go and speak with some of the old diggers.

I do this, even though I don’t speak, I just listen to what they want to tell me

I don’t have any words to comfort them, I just sit by their sides and listen to them

And today with the flag half masted, the sadness is extra heavy

Another widow will need help, another mans life cut too short, wasted hope 

I really like this old digger from the 1st world war, he thought he was fighting for king and country. He like some of the others, know who is real the King after his time spent wasted on wars

Jack also learnt this with the 2nd world war, and Korean war.

He only continued to serve as a driver with many licenses as his home life wasn’t good

Another divorce and he has always missed his children, now adults that he never hears from, I sigh

We leave, and I get from my glovebox the new cassette tapes I had done for my step father

His old records got destroyed in Leander Street Footscray when I was a teenager

I had recorded them all first, but now the tapes are getting too old to tape, copies of copies

Same as stupid people make paper copies from copies of paperwork

I drop him off outside the house and wait until he is allowed to go inside

I pray for him whilst I drive to my home, that’s no longer a home

I don’t understand why laughter is always killed, joy, and I hate violence

I back this car into the driveway, and take out the Holy Bible first, from under my car seat, I hide that in a special place

Then I get out the 2 luxury suitcases, one at a time, I can’t carry both of them, and use a torch

I hide these in the back of my wardrobe, I also pray

Then I lock the front doors again and go and drive to pick up the eldest child 

I use this time to change all the guards, workers, medical workers and praying ones

Continuation:

I use the torch to unlock the front doors, and the eldest child bolts inside first, he doesn’t turn on the lounge room light to help me see, no he bolts into his bedroom

Laughing loudly and telling me school holidays start next week

I reverse the car into the small garage door opening, with only and inch to spare on the side mirrors, in the dark

My old rust bucket car that needed to go to scrap metal, because of the rust, wouldn’t even fit into the garage doors small opening, even with only one side mirror, drivers side

Naturally left undercover in a sea side town, the rust went berserk

It also made parallel parking in the small parking spots, in the streets of Melbourne so much fun

As to park in the carpark at the Royal Children’s Hospital also cost too much money

I would need to park streets away, with my daughter in mobility aids, my young son needed to be carried, and the eldest child would run off

I would also need to go back, many times, first for suitcases, but also to move the car multiple times

Parallel parking and the spots I would need to park this old gas guzzler into, were only parking for an hour, sometimes after peak hour traffic, 3 hours

I don’t know how many times my car would break down, I thank God for my step father: Jack who arranged for me to have RACV, Roadside Assist; so I would be able to call out  Mechanics, so many times

When I could find a phone box somewhere on our major roads, even the residential roads I drove on, I was worried sick with what the eldest child would be doing

I usually walked many kilometres looking for phone boxes, and worried sick, trying to get my daughter to the Royal Children’s Hospital

As she was immunosuppressed; NO immune system, and the need to get her there fast

My thoughts went back to the Royal Melbourne’s Dental Hospital, and they refusing to pull out a few rear teeth, as I had staph infection, the side of my face was the size of a grapefruit

And with this infection I was denied entry into the 9th floor level ward of the Royal Children’s Hospital, as all the children there were immunosuppressed

I was so distraught as I missed my daughters last Birthday

Even though I drove back to Rosebud and paid $80 for a Butcher Dentist just to pull these teeth out.

But the Butcher Dentist didn’t prescribe any Penicillin, I had to get an emergency appointment with my Doctor the next day

But of course none of this helped either as it takes time for the Penicillin to work, my face was swollen, and staph infections are deadly to any person undergoing chemotherapy

I also thought on all our Public Hospitals, all of them full of staph. They got the walls painted a lot, but staph gets carried airborne, especially through the revolting air con, water ones on their roofs 

I got out of the car, made sure I locked it, and locked the small garage door. 

Thank God I didn’t leave the torch in the car, as I walk up the dark driveway, and then the front steps

I have real problems with steps at the best of times

There was a ramp on the back of the house, when we first moved in, but it was old rotting wood, and deadly slippery

I get inside, snibbing the flyscreen door, and locking the front door

I think more on further education, maybe at our local TAFE Institute 

I know about how many hours I can work within my Pension Payment, and I also know there are Government Grants, tiny payments with further studies, mostly for the shit books

I was wondering how I could manage all this, as I would need to use the car, and fuck me I’m so sick; still from swimming in that Polluted Toxic Bay

It wasn’t even the Bay itself, but the Local Councils swimming pool that used the Toxic Bays Water

Water slides, playgrounds, picnic tables, pay for gas barbecues, with the Propane Gas Bottles directly under the bbq plates/grills

I thank God the eldest child is in his bedroom, even though he makes so much noise

I am glad that I have put him in the bedroom added onto the brick house, his main wall is brick

I made sure his bed isn’t anywhere near the condensation brick wall, and I have put up thermal drapes for the whole wall of windows, and added an oil fin column heater in his bedroom

I had tried to have both of the boys in the same bedroom, but that did not work

The Housing Commission; Public Government Housing had given me a rotten time with trying to get anything done properly with this house

I was thinking on these things; so many ways I had tried so hard to get things done according to Safety Standards, especially for my daughter: Erin Sondra Marshall

Several months after my daughter died we had a freak storm on the Mornington Peninsula, and all of my daughters furniture, bed, etc, and so many toys she had been donated to her

Very expensive toys, that she never even got to play with; as she was far too ill, I had wrapped up in heavy duty plastic, and stored in this bedroom

But this bedroom got lightening struck on the houses roof, and so much water damage

I thought back to how fast I needed to get all the furniture and toys, large doll house, etc out of that bedroom

I donated all these things to charity, the next day. I only kept her favourite doll

The one that always went to the Royal Children’s Hospital with her

But even worse happened with this freak storm

A dear friend in a neighbouring suburb, her whole house got destroyed

The electrical storm went through her power point to her vacuum cleaner, she had the storm, water and electrical fire

Nothing left of her house, and specialist fire trucks for the live electricity running throughout her home

Her eldest son is buried next to my daughter, in the children’s section of the cemetery

My dear friend and her children needed to live in emergency accommodation for a whole year, waiting for her house to be rebuilt, her expensive House and Contents Insurance paid for the emergency accommodation

It didn’t help that her husband was a Builder, who had built their house, as he had run off with another woman 

Much like I had encountered; especially when I lived at 50 Grange Road, Eastern Heights, fully owned House in Queensland, that one that got sold to the mistress. Government Legal Aid never helped, as you know: Wayne Anthony Marshall

At least Non Government Agencies, not Churches or Government, but different Clubs, etc helped my dear friend with her destroyed house from that freak storm 

Not Government, nor Churches, but Charity Organisations that had helped me also, as well as caring people, and good friends, and she also had a very loving mother

As even her and her living children had no clothes, toys, toiletries, anything

I could only help her youngest son, with some of my young sons clothing, and toys, and my daughters beloved doll for her daughter, my clothes I would not give to anyone, too old and threadbare

I loved them all, and my daughter especially loved my dear friends mother, who would nurse my daughter when she was at home, wrapped in a hand made crochet blanket 

This of course enraged the ‘mother’ with God giving my daughter a God given grandmother, showing her much loving kindness; I have thanked God so much for these dear friends, family

I also thought on the Social Worker: Glenyis Sleeman, some things she used some charities for, but overall not much help, the Social Worker at the Royal Children’s Hospital. Melbourne. Australia—Australasia

I stopped thinking on all the other shit things that happened in that Hospital, just with the 15 months of my daughter; as tears are rolling down my face

I start thinking; maybe I could further my studies, finish the bullshit High School shit, and go to University, and work as a Social Worker

I get interrupted with my thoughts, the eldest child is demanding a cup of warm milk

I usually give the boys a cup of warm milk an hour or so before they go to bed

I told him again, I will be doing grocery shopping tomorrow

Have a lovely Blackcurrant cup of tea like I am having

He isn’t happy, he finds in the large pantry the emergency long life milk

And opens the container, using scissors and tipping too much into the milk saucepan, and makes a big mess of this dead milk all over the bench and floor

I say to him, what are you going to have with the oats I will cook for you in the morning, now that you have wasted all the milk

As I was tipping out the milk from this milk saucepan into a container, he grabbed the last 3 slices of bread out of the freezer and said he would have them, toast for breakfast, these were thrown onto the kitchen bench, in the milk everywhere

I quickly pulled the ripped open plastic bag the bread was in and put the 3 slices of bread onto a plate, silently thanking God they didn’t get drenched by the milk

I say to him, well you would have had enough fresh milk for your oats if you hadn’t of drank it all; straight from the container earlier, do you recall doing this?

He vehemently denied drinking our fresh milk, and called me a liar

I said well I remember you doing this, as I watched you, don’t you recall this?

He started to get angry, and he is a Strong young boy

I ask him again, don’t you recall drinking all of our fresh milk?

He stormed off, and slammed his bedroom door shut, thank God

However he decides he wants to use the toilet again, I sigh

I go and get the mop and bucket, and clean up the kitchen first, I throw the dead milk down the kitchen sink

I need to clean up all the bench, sink, and mop the floors twice, as the milk had been walked everywhere as well, thank God the hallway is Lino flooring

I silently keep praying the whole time I clean all this and then the toilet; again

I hear him throwing a tennis ball at the brick wall, the other side of this brick wall is my bedroom, and where my bed is

Not even my bed, as I had returned from one of the emergency drives to the Royal Children’s Hospital, only to find my bed gone, and the ‘mothers’ old double bed and base in my bedroom with a bookcase headboard, and a bizarre electric alarm clock in the headboard

Even when I pulled the cord for this bizarre electric alarm clock out of the power point, this shit thing would still buzz its alarm at me, 4am every morning, and certain times of the month at 11pm, an hour before witching hour, midnight

I ripped the bizarre electric buzzing alarm clock out of the headboard, and threw it into an industrial buildings large skip bin

Then I covered the shit glued wood hole; not real timber, with flower prints on thick cardboard type paper, and covered it with clear contact, like I use on the cupboards shelves, etc

I thank God, as there was so much confusion when my daughter died, the ding dong wall clock, with its pendulum donged the 12 times as she died

It was decided that she died before midnight; thank God

Finally all the noise in this house has stopped; thank God

I walk quietly to where I had Hidden my Free Holy Bible, and gently close the hallway door behind me

I take the Holy Bible into the lounge room, the furtherest room in the house from the eldest childs bedroom

I sit down near the gas wall heater, that for some new reason must need electricity to work them, natural gas heaters used to work without the need for electricity

I sit down in my armchair, I look at the lamp, a Charity Women’s Axillary Group passed a hat around, and I brought a lamp

I still have tears rolling down my face, I needed a lamp when my daughter was dying; as the above lighting hurt her eyes

I use the Holy Bible, and wack both sides of my head with it

I tell ‘Good Christian’ to start reading out loud, but not too loud, for all to hear

As I look at my fold out couch

I sleep a lot on floors, I had tried to sleep on my old fold out couch, but it was too difficult, it was where I had held my daughter in my arms as she died

I now mostly sleep in front of my young sons bedroom doorway’s floor, on the Lino flooring

This unexpected special blessing from my Father in heaven, who his father demanded that I have him aborted, knowing how dead set against abortion I am

I chose my baby in my womb over my husband, the same one who was father to his daughter Erin, and not even there for her funeral, the same father to the eldest child: Sean William Marshall; that is violent, like his own father

I now pray so much, I really need a new bed, door locks for bedrooms, and help with the upcoming school holidays

Scott Adam Marshall, have you forgotten all these things?

Selah

to  be continued…

And the: POST

not worthy of a title

will be added to the beginning of this: PAGE

for continuity, before other yesterdays/seasons are added to this: Living Story

Thank you all for taking the time to be here: God bless you